I picked up the book "So You Don't Want To Go To Church Anymore", otherwise known as the Jake book, by Jake Colsen, and started reading it a couple days ago. A few years past my wife and I took the step to find Jesus outside of the institutional church building. It has been an interesting journey.
Last night I stayed up late and read. I haven't done that in years. Two things struck me as I finally put the book down. The first was the idea that I am on a familiar journey. There isn't as much wrong with the struggles I have found on the road as I thought there was. As I read, I saw my frustration and confusion were somewhat normal. That is the first thing that I got.
The second thing I found floating around in my head was the overwhelming concept that I don't have a clue how to let myself be loved. Not even a little bit. I am so steeped in 'earning' God's love that I can't even let myself rest or relax in it. I feel too guilty. The funny part is that as I write these words, I know deep in my soul how true they are, and I feel ashamed. I think to myself that I should work harder at knowing I am loved and then maybe I would be pleasing to God.
And I find myself so angry at religion. I find little love there for the institution that helped create this monster. Our kids went to an evening youth program for a couple weeks just to try it out and connect with some local kids. Every night they had awards they gave out for Bible reading and attendance and memorization. Our boys were only there a couple nights, so they hadn't been able to 'earn' lots of awards. It made them feel stupid and left out. My wife and I were nauseated with the works teaching. The message was clear - if you performed in the way expected, you were more valuable than the kids who didn't or couldn't. A kid who performed earned the noticing he received. A kid who didn't earn was less noticed.
The awful truth is that I have lived my whole life that way - earning my value, earning my love, trying to get enough points to measure up and be noticed. The other side of things is that the wonderful truth is that I have been wrong all these years. I am loved. I am valuable. I have more points than I will ever need, and I don't have to earn any more.
Today I don't know how to take in that love. I literally don't know what to do in the face of it. I want to figure it out really, really bad. And I know that no amount of performing or trying is going to make that happen.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
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2 comments:
Hey Man
I stumbled here from another blog. I really enjoyed reading some of your posts.
I recently resigned a position on staff at a church (for similar reasons you seemed to have left institutional church) and I can feel what you're saying. I have been working in church in some fashion for quite some time and now . . . it feels weird. No one needs me.
Keep sharing your thoughts brother, there are many who feel the same.
" I find little love there for the institution that helped create this monster" so is this institiution the "they" we speak of? of is it men using traditions that they tried to put God into a box of thier own understanding and not realize they have ended up in confined in the box themselves.
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