Learning to be not needed

I have always served God, from the first day I decided to follow Jesus. Within three months of conversion I was working at a Christian camp. It was a denominational camp that had hired me before I became a Christian. Evidently it didn't matter to them if I was a believer or not. I looked like one because they knew what church I had gone to as a kid. I showed up at the camp on fire, sharing the Lord with every one I met, and ended up leading 3 staff members to Christ. I went from there to Bible college, then into ministry full time. Even after I left full time paid ministry, I served in churches we went to, often preaching or leading worship. It made me feel good to have something I could contribute.

The road has taken me some places I didn't really want to go, and I have done some things I really shouldn't have done, and I have ended up at a place I really never imagined being at. And for the first time in my spiritual life, I have had to go through a season where I wasn't serving. Nobody wanted my advice. Nobody wanted to hear me sing (if you had ever heard me sing, it might make more sense why nobody wanted to hear me sing). Nobody called up and wanted me to speak. And suddenly I was faced with the aweful thought of having to love God without all my props.

You see, serving was the way I found significance and value and purpose and meaning, and it made me feel really important. I KNEW I was important if I had something to do in the kingdom of God. And when all that was stripped away, I didn't know what to do. Literally! I had been 'doing' for God for 25 years. When I had nothing to do, I was forced to 'be' with God. It has been terrifying.

At the same time, we left the institutional church. If that doesn't make sense to you, that means we don't go to a big building on sunday morning and pay other people to teach us how to be Christians. We believe, as the Bible teaches, that the church is not a building or a gathering place. It is the people of God, whenever and where ever they are gathered, whether 2 or 3 or a hundred. The problem has been that I found all my spiritual value in performing for the institution. A good show meant I was a good and valuable Christian.

So I have to admit - standing naked before God without my performance and without the accolades and without the 'spiritual good boy' act has left me feeling pretty worthless. And getting to know Papa in this place has been really hard. And really worth it. You see, there isn't anything to hide behind. It's just me standing there before Him. No pulpits to hide behind, no microphones to make me bigger, no Christian glaze to make me sparkle. Just me. And Him. And I hate it.

I hate it because I have to deal with Him. I can't play games anymore. I can't pretend. I can't hide behind my own self righteousness or my works or my stage show or my illusions. I have to know Him. I have to deal with Him. I have to deal directly with Him.

Sounds like a good way to get to know Papa doesn't it.