Lost in the dark

I have been out of town this weekend visiting some good friends in the Midwest. They have provided me with a wonderful room in the cool of the basement - away from the heat and humidity of the luxurious Midwest summer.

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night totally lost. I didn't know where I was, and I kept questioning over and over where Laura had disappeared to. I couldn't figure out why she wasn't next to me. I found myself stumbling through the pitch blackness trying to find a light switch, still clueless as to where I was. I fumbled against a few walls and finally found a switch. I didn't know where I was, and when the light went on, I couldn't figure out what my friends basement bathroom was doing at my house. It was a very strange feeling.

The journey with Papa has been taking me much in the same direction lately. Lots of stumbling in the dark and wondering where I am going. Sometimes I step outside myself and observe my life and wonder what the heck it is that I am doing. It used to be easy to answer that. Early in my faith the answers seemed simple and cut out for me. Now they seem obscured and vague. I used to think there was something wrong with that - that life shouldn't be that way if I was really walking with God. After all, He is a God of order, not confusion. But the farther I follow, the more the walk is about taking His hand than it is about knowing the next step or the right answers. The mystery becomes the journey - trusting Him even when the way isn't clear and doesn't make sense (especially then). Willingness to stumble becomes my act of faith, it is my act of worship.

I am learning to know His hand, His voice, His Spirit in the darkness. I am seeing that His presence is becoming more and more my desire. And easy answers that come conveniently and cheaply just don't cut it anymore.