Waiting

I feel like I am holding my breath. We are in transition right now, poised between yesterday and where ever it is Papa is leading us. We are trying to sell the house and move an hour west, but I am struggling with the rawness of how powerless I am to make that happen.

Several years ago I would have tried to manipulate God into doing what I thought He should do by praying or fasting or getting a bunch of others to pray and fast. Because I was taught a bunch of BS about God - namely that all a guy had to do was do the right set of spiritual gymnastics and he could get God to bless whatever scheme he had to get ahead. I know now that my prayers, at best, might make me more sensitive to His plan, but He loves me enough to not do what I think should be done.

So I am left in this new space today - learning to sit with the fear and panic and distrust that comes up when I truly let go of trying to control God. But I have to be honest - I really hate this place. It is much easier to carry the belief that I just need to be more righteous - then God will listen to me and do what I say.

As I write that out, it seems ridiculous that any of us think we can control God. But I am a little ashamed with my deep desire to still want to do that. And evidence of my need for His continued work.