The best and worst of times

We moved truckloads of crap yesterday to the new house we are renting. It seems you never really realize how much stuff you have until you move. Before yesterday I would have said that we live pretty light and don't have that much junk. Today I am overwhelmed with the amount of stuff "living light" translates into.

We had a boatload of people show up to help, and all of them humbled me as they moved our crap from one place to another. On the way to the new house, one of our cars died, and one couple drove almost an hour back and trailered the piece of junk to the new house. It was way beyond the call of duty. Everyone's gift of time and muscle was way beyond the call of duty and friendship. How do you repay people for that kind of love?

Then there was the other side of humanity. Some new neighbor had to stop in - as we were in the middle of unloading our crap- worried about how many cars we might have that might make the neighborhood unsightly. Someone took the keys to the house, so we were left without access to the little guest cabin out back that was to become our extra bedroom. Currently the nice mattress for that room is covered in 5 inches of snow and sleet leaning against the door we have no key for. The previous tenant's stuff is in almost every room, so we can't set up anything. There was no offer to move the junk; no willingness to let us move the junk; and little empathy for our plight.

It was weird to experience total opposite treatment from the same human race. One side selfless and giving; the other thoughtless and unkind.

Yet God made us all, and somehow manages to love us, whether we are selfless and kind, or whether we are complete pigs to each other. I hope someday to be able to love with that kind of grace. But today I am stuck in frustration and finding it hard to love the lesser side of humanity.

Without a map (or a clue)

We will move most of our belongings tomorrow to a new house. Strange to think that the path has led us to this place. Or should I say away from this place? It was almost two years ago that we moved to Colorado, following what felt like the Spirit of God. Some pretty miraculous things happened for us to be able to buy this house and live in this place.

But now that chapter is ending, and as the pages turn, I really don't have a clue of what lies ahead. I know the new address, and I know the bills that are piling up in the middle of the chaos of our lives right now, but where the road leads is a mystery. And behind the curtain of the mystery, behind the "what" of what lies ahead is the eternal question of "why". Is God at work in every movement, or are we blundering on in our typical style of life? Is there a grander scheme, or are we taking another step in a meaningless staircase?

I won't pretend to know the answers. (At least that much has changed.) What I do pretend is to believe that God is still in charge, still directing, and still interested in creating in us a little bit of Himself. And it is to that end that we follow the ongoing mysterious road that lies before us.

Climbing low mountains

Another blog post way over due (thanks Carol for the reminder).

I was talking with a guy the other day whose philosophy of life is best summed up by the theme statement "climb low mountains". It reflected in his life very congruently. If he never tried to climb a mountain that was very high, he could never fail. And I found myself admiring the integrity. He really is a guy who won't try for the high mountains.

But I found the call in my heart as obviously on the other end of the spectrum. I realized that my pattern of life is probably best summed up in the philosophy "climb impossible mountains", which translates to disappointment and discouragement much of the time. I wonder if I might do better trying to summit little peaks rather than the huge ones. But when I think about it, its just not me. The very essence of who I am is a combination of dreamer and enough "ridiculous" inside (I have plenty of that) to actually try to live out the dreams.

And after 30 years of that, sometimes I wonder if I should give up. How many lower peaks could I have been successful on? Or would they have even felt like success if I had settled for the accomplishments of smaller mountains? All I know is that I am called to live what is true inside of me, and that truth inside has never spent much time on low mountains.

So I guess my new philosophy is one that sounds something like this - "Blunder on, and trust that by doing so, God is glorified because He made me a blunderer."

I deeply pray that He is reflected somewhere on the trek to the highest mountains.

Knowing scripture

I hear a lot of evangelical Christians talking about how we need to base everything on scripture. I remember holding that same value when I was a fundy too. Now that whole picture seems pretty confusing.

I find myself wanting to ask silly questions - "Which particular set of scriptures are we referring to? The KJV or the NIV or the NAS or the BS version of the Bible??" Or which interpretation of the "scriptures" are we holding to? Are we Armenian or Calvin? Are we reformation or Anabaptist? Because the real truth is that you can talk to 10 different theologians and get 12 different interpretations from 18 different schools of thought about a single verse from the Bible.

So which beliefs are we drawing from what interpretation of what scriptures?

And what ever happened to the presentness of God? Why do we rely so heavily on how God represented Himself 2000 years ago, yet ignore that He is still hanging around right now, equally as knowable?

I guess "knowing scriptures" is a hell of a lot easier than knowing God.

Waiting

I feel like I am holding my breath. We are in transition right now, poised between yesterday and where ever it is Papa is leading us. We are trying to sell the house and move an hour west, but I am struggling with the rawness of how powerless I am to make that happen.

Several years ago I would have tried to manipulate God into doing what I thought He should do by praying or fasting or getting a bunch of others to pray and fast. Because I was taught a bunch of BS about God - namely that all a guy had to do was do the right set of spiritual gymnastics and he could get God to bless whatever scheme he had to get ahead. I know now that my prayers, at best, might make me more sensitive to His plan, but He loves me enough to not do what I think should be done.

So I am left in this new space today - learning to sit with the fear and panic and distrust that comes up when I truly let go of trying to control God. But I have to be honest - I really hate this place. It is much easier to carry the belief that I just need to be more righteous - then God will listen to me and do what I say.

As I write that out, it seems ridiculous that any of us think we can control God. But I am a little ashamed with my deep desire to still want to do that. And evidence of my need for His continued work.

Affluence and influence

I was thinking today - I know, hard to believe - about people with lots of coin. We have a lot of them where we live. Rich folks come up from Texas to spend 2 weeks a year at their half million dollar second home. The rest of the year the places sit empty. To be honest it is pretty nauseating. There are many folks around here who have had to move away from the area because they can't find jobs or can't pay for a house to live in. Seems like there ought to be a way for them to find a free place to stay for 50 weeks a year, then vacate when the affluent people come in for their two weeks.

This whole topic got me thinking about the rich in our world. They have lots of affluence, but I wonder how much influence their affluence buys them. Because they aren't the same thing. I know that I will never have affluence, and honestly I would rather impact the world through my influence rather than my affluence. I want the character of my life and the integrity with which I try to live to be the impacter of the world, not the number of zeros behind any given number in my bank account.

Affluence or influence. Which one really matters when you realize you never will take a cent of it with you. Influence lasts forever, but affluence sure makes it more comfortable getting there. So are we willing to trade some discomfort now for a great forever? Or do we aim for power and prestige and lots of money to make the journey more enjoyable? Because real influence doesn't need affluence to make it happen.

Knowing Him in the going

Its been way too long since I blogged. It seems that life has been really full of trying to make huge decisions. And then we have had friends here from the flat lands. Its been busy.

We had a chance to backpack for 3 days. What a humble reminder of how old I am getting. The irony is that I am still dreaming and scheming about future trips, oblivious that I will probably do them, then wonder what the heck I was thinking.

But I am most aware lately of the sovereignty of God and the lack of control I have on my life at times. And the worst part is that I keep trying to predict and figure out where the trail of life is going. What a foolish effort! Because I will never know. And when I think I have it pegged, He'll do something unpredictable, just to remind me how really finite I am.

It is almost like Papa wants to remind me that the goal of this journey isn't to know the path ahead, but to walk it, regardless of the hurdles and confusing landmarks. The goal is to trust Him, not know where the road is going. But like many of us, I want to know, giving myself the illusion that somehow I have a little control on the direction. Even as I write that, I find it funny.

I won't ever know where I am going. But I can know Him in the going. Isn't that the very point?