Running scared

Lately the adventure with God has been leading me to journey out on some pretty thin ice financially. It has been scary, and yet there has been an assuredness that the path was the right one. I knew it was what I was supposed to do, even if it didn't make sense. It isn't the first time that we have followed the Lord out here. It's just that this is the current adventure, and it feels pretty visceral right now.

I realized today that faithfully following Him doesn't imply that something good will come of that following. I have been seeing that that kind of thinking is still residue of the religious thinking that I suffered under for years. I believed that God would always give me bigger and better things - that He was my eternal Santa Clause, just waiting to bless me with presents. Now I am seeing that following Him, even out onto thin ice, is the right way to walk - even if it gets me nothing. There may or may not be a 'reward' or positive outcome from venturing out here. He is still worthy of following - without the pseudo promises and guarantees that religion sells us.

So I am out here, the ice cracking beneath my feet, and yet I know that if I plunge into the freezing water, it is because I was willing to go where I thought Papa was leading. And I will know that if the ice breaks, it was His will for me to get wet. And I want to get to the place where I can trust that if I nearly freeze to death in that frigid water, it will be because He loves me profoundly. But I have to confess, I'm not quite there yet.